so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
