Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Randomize
