I looked at my own cervix.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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