Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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