you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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