I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
