so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
