i love accidental penises.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Two words: blizzard sex
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
