I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
