you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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