My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize