like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
