I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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