I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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