My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
