Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
