I will die if light touches me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
