I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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