so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
