Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
