Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
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My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
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I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?