my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it was like eating out sand paper
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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