he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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