So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
