Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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