Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
