I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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