apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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