I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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