so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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