I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The ass gains better be worth it
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