At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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