I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
don't judge my taste in strippers
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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