I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
