a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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