My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
