come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
