Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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