I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
