And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
