So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
