At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
