hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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