Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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