Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
