The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
