Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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