cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.