Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
