1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
