I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
