I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
