giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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