Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
