We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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