we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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