You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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